I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I just blew my weed a kiss
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
