Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
