alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
