Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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