I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
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