I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
