he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
