ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
The best revenge is premature balding
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
