You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
