I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
