Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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