i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
