So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
