I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
