He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Drunk is a universal language darling
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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