I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
