I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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