if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
