It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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