Kiss
Puke
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
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