guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
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I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I need moral support for this bender
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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