dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
