just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Randomize
