there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Randomize
