Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
