Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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