She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
God gave him joint rollers for hands
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
