i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
