I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Randomize
