I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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