I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
