Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
