When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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