u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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