Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
