Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
