We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
