Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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