Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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