you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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