I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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