There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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