it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
