Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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