hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
