I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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