My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
