Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
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