I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.