After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check