I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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