Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Randomize
