Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
