So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
well you can't waste a boner
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
