dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.