These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
