just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
