Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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