Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
