I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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