I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
He had one of those small greek statue penises
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Let's paint friendship bongs
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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