He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
