I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
